Well, I created this blog and made several posts in one day, and then promptly stopped blogging. I don't know why. I guess because I'm busy like everyone else. But, I have a lot on my mind today, so I thought I'd sit down and "write" for a bit. It's therapeutic, LOL!
My first thought when I sat down to do this was, I need to make a new blog - what I want to write about doesn't really apply to this blog. This blog is about our journey to becoming healthy individuals. But, I've since rethought that. What I have to say today is really in regards to my Dad and his health issues, and understanding what his illness means. I think, however, that it applies to this blog in that my dad's situation is a reminder of why I need to be healthy and an examination of my mental health, to be honest.
I started out several months ago on a journey to improve my health. I lost over 40 lbs and was doing very well, but I've done what a lot of people often do - at least to a certain degree. I got comfortable with where I was and decided to back off a bit. I've gained back about 9 lbs at this point. I am still eating fairly healthy, though. Yes, on our recent holiday road trip, I ate at Lambert's (home of the Throwed Rolls) twice, ate out at various other restaurants, and had a fabulously unhealthy Thanksgiving dinner. So, in this last week alone, I've gained about 4 of those lbs. But, I digress. I'm concerned about the weight gain, but not as concerned as I am about not working out as much and starting to eat a little less healthy. I only have to think about what got my dad to where he is, to help me get back on track, I think.
In regards to my mental health, since dad his stroke and became ill, I've really struggled with how to feel about it and what to share with others. I've felt like I was betraying my dad by telling people details that he wouldn't want them to know. It's been a struggle because I've felt like I needed to share with family and friends who want to know what's going on and who want to be there for my family and I - and I so appreciate that!! I think I have a hard time saying, there's things you don't need to know, or just keeping my mouth shut and not saying anything at all. Besides, I've found that I get some kind of therapy myself from talking about it. It's hard for me to hold things in sometimes. I've learned a lot about myself during all this, I think, and I don't necessarily like everything I've learned.
When dad first had his stroke and got his diagnosis, I read everything about it and sort of became obsessed with it. I think I took it as a death sentence and began this self-protection thing where I tried to prepare myself for his impending death. I'm so scared to deal with anything death related because I've not had to deal with that much in my life and I think that I won't be able to handle it. I have felt like I need to start dealing with it now so that I don't completely fall apart when it does happen. And, I think my defense mechanism, "the planner," took over to keep my mind busy and try to plan it all out. If I plan it, I can deal with it. Right? I'll learn everything there is to know about this disease, know what to expect, and when to expect it. I'll pick out funeral songs. That way I'm ready and I can do it. But, I've heard some feedback that I thrive on drama and that I am making more out of this than I need to. Oh, and that I've just put all this information out there that people don't need to know. Well, these are my family and friends, my support group. This has been hard for me and I've needed them. In our family, we share. Or at least I thought we did. But, I digress... again. My point is, I don't think I handled it very well, but I'm thankful to those who walked through it with me and let me vent and worry... in my way. I'm ok and I will be ok, no matter how easy or hard this turns out to be. My journey to health includes healthiness of mind, body, and spirit. I'm still working on all three, so please be patient. :-)
My dad is doing very well right now, considering. It's been over 6 months since the stroke and he is stable. We hope that medications and therapy will keep him stable for some time to come. How long do we have with him? There's no real way to know, but that's ok. None of us know how long we have. We'll enjoy every day, and hope there are lots and lots of them. My mother has and continues to take very good care of him and he has great doctors! Who knows - what seemed like a death sentence before, actually may not be. We may still have quite a few years and I sure hope that we do! He's doing very well and I'm so very proud of him for fighting and working hard to recover. I'm going to quit trying to figure it all out and just relax.
Healthiness of my body, and everyone else's, is my next subject. Yes, I'm going to preach to myself and everyone else today. I understand this is my journey to health and that any journey to health is personal for everyone. I also understand that I can't make someone be healthy or stop making unhealthy choices. But, by reminding myself why I need to make healthy choices, I hope that I am able to influence those reading my blog to do the same.
When I started my journey to becoming healthier, I was a smoker. I smoked for about 15 years, I think. I was overweight and never exercised, as well, and had a lot of inflammatory issues. I had high blood pressure, to boot. I was on a really bad road, following in my dad's footsteps. I am no longer a smoker, I am less overweight, I exercise a lot, and no longer have high blood pressure. My sugar and cholesterol levels are great, as well. I am doing this because I don't want to have a small vessel disease and have a stroke. Because I know that smoking and all these other risk factors greatly increase my risk of becoming my dad. When we damage those small blood vessels in our brain, or anywhere in our body, that damage is many times irreparable. You start a cycle that can't be fixed. You cause a buildup of cholesterol or plaque or create blockages all over your body. You cause inflammation throughout your body, which is the root of all major chronic disease. You damage your body's immune system and ability to fight off disease and cancers, as well. You are giving yourself a life that you don't want to have. I thought I was young and had plenty of time, but it snuck up on me, and I realize now all the damage I caused by my bad choices, and I'm sorry. I wish I could go back and change those choices now. While my health has definitely improved and my lab results all look good, I find myself now forgetting things a lot. I make hotel reservations for the wrong date. I can't seem to remember to empty the old coffee out of the coffee pot when I make a new pot... all the time! I can't think of the words I want to use ... a lot. I'm worried that by having myself in the condition I was in a few months ago, I've already begun cycle and I can only hope that I can reverse a lot of it by changing my lifestyle and choices. So, I continue on, which leads to healthiness of spirit - obviously, I'm still working on that, LOL!
I'm reminded of a sign I saw on facebook - Ask your doctor if getting off your ass is right for you. LOL... Get off your ass and do something about your health. Start your own journey. And, I will continue mine.
